Friday, April 18, 2014

My husband, Zac Efron, grimaces every time he is touched by a woman. As a homosexual, he just doesn't like the touch of females. Nonetheless, he allowed this to happen at the MTV Movie Awards because Zac knows that millions of teenage gay boys get erections and thrills from seeing him shirtless. He also knows that there are hundreds of thousands of young college men, many of them fratboys, who are questioning their sexuality. As their erections stiffen and become achingly hard seeing Zac on national TV, they may realize that they are really gay and finally act on their sexual longings. I'm glad Zac wore this shirt. We went shopping for quite a while to find it. I'm not in this picture. I spent a good half hour oiling down Zac's body with baby oil backstage to get him to glisten like that. Naturally, he couldn't do it himself, because it would have left his hands too greasy and he might have dropped that half-assed award they gave him. As you can see, Zac doesn't mind being half-naked for the crowd. Although he does get cold, and it makes his nipples very, very hard. He came backstage, and complained about how cold his chest was. I put the palms of my hands on his nipples, and sure enough -- they were erect. Rock hard. He moaned from the cold, and I kept my hands on him until his nipples were soft again and he was breathing hard and deep and fast. It was so cold, Zac's penis was also hard. But in order to take care of that, we had to go back to my place...

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